Disruption.. never an easy choice

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/eu_russia_adopted_boy

Heartbreaking!! Just heartbreaking! As a mother who has disrupted her adoption I feel that I need to speak out. First and foremost, I 100% disagree with what this woman has done. Unfortunately, disruption happens... more than most realize. It is one of the most painful agonizing decisions that any parent could ever have to make. It is not something you go into lightly, but when you enter into that decision, there is a legal way to go about it. Shipping a child back to their country ALONE with a note is cold-hearted and completely unacceptable. I can see where the outrage is coming from! However, I feel that when a person's emotions are high she may tend to say things without completely thinking them through. So, I just want to take a minute to try to help you understand that disruption isn't always a bad word.

DID YOU NOT EDUCATE YOUR SELF?

Well, of course we did! We went to every class there was. We watched the videos. We talked to families who had been there and done that. We researched. We read every book we could get our hands on. We joined groups. We educated ourselves on attachment therapy, RAD, PTSD, and orphanage behavior. Everything makes sense. You have tough skin. You can handle it. You can give that child all the love they need, and she will accept it. Through lots of hard work she will one day accept your love and heal and you will all live happily ever after.... not necessarily. Sometimes, no matter how much you prepare, no matter how much you do, no matter how much therapy you get, it is just not enough.

IF ONLY MORE RESOURCES HAD BEEN OFFERED...

Therapy, therapy, therapy. We had a wonderful international adoption therapist!! I started a wonderful thriving Yahoo group for families adopting older children. I talked for hours on the phone to BTDT parents. I even met face to face with them. I had huge support from the adoption community, therapist, and doctors. It just wasn't enough.

WHEN YOU HAVE A BIO CHILD YOU DO NOT HAVE THE OPTION OF "RETURNING" HIM/HER... AN ADOPTED CHILD SHOULD BE NO DIFFERENT.

No one adopts a child thinking "lets take them for a test drive and if we like them we will keep them!" That's insane. No one enters into a marriage with plans to divorce, and no one enters an adoption with plans to disrupt. It appears this lady in the news.. agggghhhh who knows what she was thinking!! "Oh I will just return my child!" Did she not think there would be legal issues with this? Surely she will have to face some consequences. You can't send your child across state lines without getting ICPC involved much less sending them back to their country. So I can understand the outrage... I really can. I just want to state that just because someone disrupts does not mean they are giving up. It simply means that you have done everything under your power to help your child and you can clearly see that your child needs more (which I will discuss later so keep on reading).

ABANDONING A CHILD IS UNACCEPTABLE

Ok, if the birth mothers never abandoned their child to begin with we would never experience the joys of adoption. We teach our children that their parents gave them away out of love. They didn't have the resources to care for their child so they gave them away... how can they be a saint for giving you their child and an adoptive parent be a monster for not being able to care for the child they adopted? Granted this lady was wrong, and it was clear she did not have her child's best interest at heart, but I want you all to understand that just because an adoption ends in disruption doesn't make anyone a monster. If it is done out of love and is in the best interest of the child then it is a noble act. There is clearly a right and wrong way to go about it.

Each story is different. I have no idea what happened in this family, and I have no idea what could possibly happened to cause this woman to take such harsh actions. I can only wonder. However, I do want to share with you my story:

We adopted our daughter at 12.5 from China. We knew she had special needs. We talked to doctors and therapist regarding her special needs, and we knew what we were up against. We felt the Lord leading us to her, and we took a leap of faith! She was such a joy from day one! She was always full of smiles and laughter. She taught us so much about ourselves and life in general. She was truly a blessing to us. We started having problems about 3 months into our adoption... nothing we couldn't handle. We started therapy with a wonderful therapist who specialized in international adoptions. She was so much help to us. We could not afford to go on a weekly basis but we did go once a month. Four months into our adoption we realized our daughter was attaching to her tutor, teachers, and grandparents but not us. At 6 months we realized there was serious problems at the school. We fought tooth and nail for our daughter. We were at the school constantly! We fought for her IEP (ind. education plan). We brought the therapist to the school to talk to the teachers. You just wouldn't believe the battles we were fighting. Our daughter was stuck in a battle for attention. She would play the teachers for attention. She would play us for attention. We found out that the teachers were showering her with love and attention, gifts, hugs, and toys. She was talking on her teacher's cell phone to the teacher's husband. The teacher asked repeatedly if she could take our child home and on THEIR family outings. In the end, our child was having nightmares of going back to China. Every time her eyes would shut she would wake up in a sweat. She was getting NO sleep. We took her out to home school her and then were turned over to DHR for child abuse by the school. We paid thousands of dollars fighting the school system and DHR. Our daughter was so traumatized that she reverted back to a small child. We later found out that one of the teachers and an aide were planting thoughts into her head of going back to China. They would ask her if we wanted to send her back. She told them we would never do that! They told her if she ever told she would be in big trouble... and the nightmares began. Our daughter loved school so to take her out was devastating for her. She missed it so much and she feel into a state of depression. It got to the point that she needed therapy every week and at $150 a week we couldn't afford it. We have insurance, but our insurance would not pay a cent for the therapy. We prayed! We cried out to God and He answered us. The Lord put a special family in my path during the worst time of our lives. We began to talk and my daughter began to talk to her daughters. After a month of communication it became clear what we needed to do. When my daughter would get off the phone with them I could see nothing but pure joy on her face. I knew this is where she belonged. We sat her down and talked to her about joining this new family. We told her it was her choice and she didn't have to worry about hurting our feelings. All we ever wanted was what is best for her. She chose her new family, and we supported her even though our hearts were breaking. Our daughter never felt like she was being given away. It was a special time for her. The two families became one. Our daughter no longer has one family but two. They are her forever family, and we are her extended family. We love her with all of our hearts. We talk to her on a regular basis. We are going to visit her this summer. She knows we love her with all of our hearts and she knows her new family does as well. She will always be my daughter (in my heart) but I know and accept she has a new mom now. I will always want what is best for her. I will always want her to be happy. My children still look at her as a sister. My children adore her new family as well.

Our daughter is doing wonderful in her new family! She is doing well in school. She is making friends. She is adjusting well with her family. She has lost her nervous stutter. She doesn't have nightmares anymore. She is thriving in her new environment. When she was with us she never felt like she belonged. We live in a small town, and she now lives in a very diverse community. Our school just didn't have a clue, and she is now in a very supportive school who has experience with internationally adopted children. She is no longer the only Chinese kid in school. She has 6 siblings that are internationally adopted as well, so she has people who get her, who understand her. These things make a world of difference in the life of a teenager. I couldn't give these things to my child. I couldn't walk away from my home and my job in the middle of a recession to give her these things. But I could sacrifice my desire to be her mom, I could swallow my pride, I could live with the pain of losing her if it makes her happier and gives her more opportunities in life. I now know the pain her birth mother felt as she gave her away for a better life.

So, in closing, if you don't get anything else from this, I hope you understand a little bit more about disruption. I hope you see it is not always "a way out" but done out of love. I know my situation is unique and is NOTHING like the lady in the headlines! I know what we did was right. I truly believe the Lord put he in our lives for a reason. He used us as a stepping stone to get her where she needed to be. I serve such an awesome God that allows me to continue to be part of her life as well as her families.

If you are a Christian, there is one thing you need to keep in mind... no matter how awful this story seems, this lady needs our prayers as well as the boy. Instead of criticizing the decisions she made, lets lift her up in prayer. I know her heart is heavy. We do not know her story. We do not know the details but if I had to guess, something really bad must of happened for her to take these actions. She needs prayers as well.

Feel free to leave your comments. If you have additional questions, you can email me at grayadoption@yahoo.com